Why bother? Yeah, I’ve had it! It’s just one obstacle after another! I can’t do what I WANT to do, so why even bother? As I skirt around the sinkhole of my self-proclaimed pity party.... Analyzing whether I want to jump in to the abyss of simply giving up, I can’t help but think of a million and one or two or more things all swirling around in my head. |
So, all the gory details that are fueling this Pity Party. I was sick the entire month of February. What was likely a mild case of the flu migrated into bronchitis and then some severe post nasal stuff that affected everything I did. The first time (there were many) I went to the doctor, my resting pulse was about 100. It’s usually in the 50’s. My pulse-ox was 93. It should be 99-100. I was wheezing, even got pink-eye and felt completely miserable. 2 rounds of antibiotics and 3 rounds of steroids, and a month of feeling completely crappy, I started to come out of it. I mean, I’d try daily, weekly to get back to some sense of normalcy... but a simple task like driving the kid to work 15 minutes away made me want to go and take a nap. I ran a few races at this time, cause I had signed up for them and didn’t want to miss out. Yup, in retrospect I know it was not a very smart thing to do... but in my defense, this was the first time I was really sick since I even started running, so I had no idea what I could and couldn’t handle.
And then, not to be outdone by the illness, I somehow ended up with a fractured tooth - the anchor tooth on a brand new 3 tooth bridge that caused a massive infection and pressure and pain. That lasted for a good 2 weeks and multiple visits to dentists, doctors to determine sinus infection vs tooth infection. I equated the pain as worse than natural childbirth. More antibiotics cleared that up, but the bridge needed to be cut, the tooth needed to be pulled. Bone grafts needed to be done and 6 months to a year in restorative procedures would then follow. Fun stuff! Surgery was this past Monday. A doctor's visit informed me that, yeah, that small weight gain and new spare tire are all normal side effects of those steroids and can take months to work themselves out... Oh joy! Oh, and I also somehow pulled a muscle in my calf ... again. Probably because I was taking anti-inflammatory for the tooth, I never noticed I was overstressing the calf or whatever??? I went for ART, EStim and KTaping on the calf, got the ok to run with modifications as necessary and ran (very carefully) a 10M race on that injured calf just last week. So in a nutshell, February thru April are pretty much a blur of illness, injury, pain and missing out on fully partaking in all the activities I have recently come to know and love.
It’s kind of a crazy thing, when I was in the middle of all this illness or injury and I just wanted to get better, but couldn’t yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, the doom and pity kind of overtook. Logically I knew, time would run it’s course, Logically I knew the injury would heal, and the sickness would get better, and we would address the tooth issue. I knew I was basically strong and all this would not sideline me forever.... But while in the middle of it all... the emotional hat takes over, and it was still pretty depressing. I was thinking things like why even bother to try? I’ve lost so much endurance. I’ve lost so much strength. What’s the point?
Then I put my logical cap back on and thought about 2 very powerful things.... First, the folks that have life challenges that they can’t recover from. My issues, my self-pity pales into oblivion in comparison to the struggles that some others face. These folks have my ultimate admiration and respect every single day.
Second, for the folks who are just facing everyday struggles like me... I type this after just getting back from a very modified Stadium. One that I considered not going to. Oral Surgery on Monday mandated that I take it easy today, and I did and was very good... but yesterday, I found myself thinking maybe I should just skip it. Why? Because I can’t attack it at 100% so it just makes sense to skip it completely... right? Nooooooooooooo.....
So then I’m thinking ~~~ are you following the logical progression of the way my mind thinks ~~~ that when I started running; when I started fitness, I was so far removed from where I am now, I wouldn’t even recognize myself! I couldn’t dance the entire night away; I couldn’t even dance one song without getting winded. I couldn’t run for a minute straight, let alone a mile or 2; I couldn’t do a roll up without hoisting myself with some kind of momentum. A half marathon was not even a glimmer of a thought.
The point is I started back then. I guess it took me a while, but once I started, I didn’t ever say “Why bother?” I just kept going and trying... So why the heck am I saying it now???? Because I know I can do more so if I can’t do 100% every single time, don’t do it at all??? Well, That’s completely ridiculous!!!! And therein lies the mental challenge. As I write this, I know that doing something, modifying when needed is absolutely the right thing to do. But the whole “why me”, “poor me”, “forget this”, “why bother” is real, is a part of it all and something that I’m sure I’m not the only one who faces this...
So the entire point of this long winded (yeah, consider this an endurance blog article - pun - did you get it?) post, is to affirm with complete confidence that it’s ok to ask Why Bother; it’s ok to have self doubt, and self pity FOR A MOMENT in passing.... But it is so much more important and still a mental challenge to believe and KNOW that the bother, the struggle, the challenge must be met and faced in the best way possible to be able to move forward. I know that challenges in life may change what I am capable of. I know I will not always be capable of the same things I am today. Maybe I’ll always only be able to do less ~ but maybe I’ll be able to do more.
To answer the question of “Why Bother?” I could simply say.... Well, what’s the alternative? But I think that’s kind of a negative reason.... So I choose to answer it by saying every effort to become, be and maintain the best version of yourself is never a wasted effort. I may never again achieve what I did yesterday; but just maybe, I might achieve more tomorrow or learn something different or new. Maybe I gain more wisdom. Maybe I help someone by exposing my own vulnerabilities. Maybe the limitations of today will help me to become even more, even a better version of myself tomorrow.